Thursday, May 24, 2012

I depended on you o God

I depended on you O God. My thoughts this morning are all shattered. I am thinking one thousand thoughts a minute and going in too many different directions. I kneel before you to pray reluctantly, since I am in a hurry to get along with my day and accomplish all my silly tasks. I am afraid that prayer is going to slow me down and take away from the little time that I have. My thoughts try to persuade me that this is your will, that I am suppose to take matters into my own hands. I make a decision, that today, I will only pray a short prayer to you. When I kneel down to pray and talk to you, I cannot focus on you because I have so much on my mind. I am anxious about too many things, and wanting too many things. I am afraid to lose what I have if I don't act quickly. I am afraid of not being able to control the actions of all those around me. I am convinced, in my arrogance, that I know best what actions should be taken by everyone, and am in a hurry to manipulate things so that it will all fit according to my will.

But being your child, I have uttered these words to you since my childhood, without even contemplating on their meaning. Perhaps I got these words from my parents, perhaps from my Lebanese culture, perhaps directly from you. The words are: "I depended on you O God." And I repeat them over and over, until the sea inside of me is calm. I then ponder about my foolishness and my fears. About how I am in a hurry to pursue all what I must do in foolishness. I feel shame in front of you, then I breathe . . . and say to you again that I depend on you. After a few minutes of meditation I realize that I must let go and trust you completely. I realize that you alone are the answer to all what I am looking for. I realize that you are sovereign over everything and nothing happens without your consent.  I turn to you my God and I thank you for who you are. I turn to you and I make an act of choice to choose you and let everything else come after. Then you speak to me and this is what you say:

"I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat, or about your body and what you will wear. For life is more than food and the body more than clothing. Notice the ravens: they do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important are you than birds! Can any of you by worrying add a moment to your life-span? Notice how the flowers grow. They do not toil or spin. But I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass in the field that grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? As for you, do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not worry anymore. All the nations of the world seek for these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these other things will be given you besides. Do not be afraid any longer, little flock, for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your belongings and give alms. Provide money bags for yourselves that do not wear out, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven that no thief can reach nor moth destroy. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be." [Luke 12: 22-34] 

Then I reply: Strengthen my faith O God so that I can always depend on you and sing your Psalm: 
"Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears, from death into life." [Based on Psalm 23]

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