Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Come and See

I was looking for a place to live. I passed by this very nice place and realized that it is too expensive for me, so I moved on to the building complex next to it. I noticed several rooms from the outside with very beautiful arch window design. I entered this great big building complex and found myself in a room on the first flour occupied by three young guys. One of them knew I wanted to tour the complex and reluctantly took me on a tour.

We went up to the second floor and I noticed right away that it was semi-dark and filled with clutter. Going from room to room, we had to maneuver around high clutter of papers, laundry, boxes, and junk. The rooms were also occupied with few peoples. All in semi-darkness and hard to see. I saw an old lady on crutches wearing a Halloween mask; she stopped and looked straight at me without a word. Then I saw two women working next to large windows and they told me without saying a word that they are keeping watch on who enters the building on the first floor which they can see from where they are. I followed my guide throughout the second floor. It was nothing but darkness and clutter.

I thought to myself I would never live here, this is a very sad looking place overwhelmed with clutter and unnecessary things. I thought again to myself, why don't they open these large windows and get rid of all this clutter and clean up this beautiful place. This place can really be transformed into a very beautiful place to live in if only they would let the light in and the clutter out. As I was thinking these thoughts I woke up.

I feel so great and so happy. I also feel very sad. Very happy and very sad at the same time. God has answered my prayers and has given me a gift to see my soul. To start to know myself made me so happy. What an amazing gift to be able to see oneself while walking into one self's soul guided by an angel. Saint Teresa of Avila's visions have started (I hope) to materialize in my life through this dream.

I am however very sad to discover that I have so far only achieved an entrance into the first mansions of my interior Castle like St. Teresa of Avila calls it. I had thought when I started learning from St. Teresa that I am one of those souls that have advanced toward the inner rooms closer to God. I had wondered how far in my castle I have advanced. Too bad I am not even beyond the first mansions and clutter and darkness are everywhere. How sad! How much I lack humility!

I am also sad that although I did not bring reptiles with me into the castle's first mansions, (as Teresa warned), thanks be to God, I had collected instead a large amount of clutter that prevented the light from moving between and within the rooms of my soul, making it semi-dark and chaotic. That I thought is sad and not good. The whole building must have been the first mansions because I was aware of some light coming through the windows and according to Teresa it is God in the center of the soul that gives light to all the mansions. She was also right regarding the darkness that I felt all around me.

Then it occurred to me that St. Teresa was very clear that God is present despite not seeing him. She compared it to dust on our eyes that prevent us from seeing the light. Sure enough I thought to myself "Don't be sad, Jesus is walking with you throughout the mansions and he loves you despite the darkness and clutter, he is there with you at all times." This gave me some comfort. Also knowing that the rooms are intrinsically beautiful gave me hope.

My dream enticed me to clean up things, to let go of garbage that I don't need, to throw away all this clutter in the first mansions that does nothing but blocks the light to my eyes. I also learned that our soul is amazingly large and has great potential which Teresa also pointed out. I learned that despite my prayers, love for others, rosaries, and few acts of good deeds, I am so much a beginner in spirituality, an infant with a diaper that needs to be changed, and a pacifier that need to be abandoned. I am so a beginner in this spiritual journey. But even as a beginner, Jesus is with me walking with me.

All of this ties to our priest father Joe who reminded us the other day that when Jesus entered the temple and saw everyone selling and buying and using God's temple for their own gains, that we too have used our soul for our own gains and we have set a market place in it rather than making it a place of worship.

Thank you God for my dream, thank you St. Teresa for your gift. Now that I started to see within myself more clearly, I have so much work to do, or better yet God has so much work to do within me.